Cancer, with a Scent of Baby Magic

I think I am going through a mid life crisis at 36. Maybe a nervous meltdown. Maybe it's the Cancer. Maybe, just maybe, its this little thing called 'Life'.

Everyone is having a baby. I want a baby. I want a brand new, Baby Magic smelling, onesie-with-a-cute-saying-wearing, baby. I, however, can not have one. I should say, I can not have another. Ten years ago, a hysterectomy (from Cancer, part one) took that ability away.

I am very blessed for my two daughters. They are straight A students. Okay, there is a high B in there every once in awhile. I didn't say they were perfect. They are not. They are messy, they don't pick up their clothes and want to get out of doing their chores. But that aside, I couldn't have asked for better girls.

I know there are women out there who are aching for a child who can not have children. Their situation is different from mine. I am fortunate to have had the experience of childbirth, twice. What I am feeling does not compare to what women that are unable to conceive go through. I can not begin to imagine, much less say 'I know how you feel'. I do not. My heart goes out to all the women wanting so desperately a baby. Hearing the word infertile. Undergoing fertility treatments and all the waiting, and sometimes, disappointments. I know none of that, and my heart aches for you, truly. I admire these women for their strength.

After writing that paragraph, and thinking about it all, I almost feel selfish for my wants. Like I said, I already have two daughters. I feel guilty for saying I want another baby, knowing there are other women out there who would give everything they have to experience pregnancy, birth, the baby years, and the loving and goodness of it all.

Yet, there will be no new baby. Instead, I have radiation treatments, medications that make me everything from giddy to grumpy to a grade-A bitch, and I have truly began to lose my memory...(that's kinda like pregnancy, right? the hormones and memory part )... and not to leave it out, chemo's coming up for a visit soon. (that's kinda like the visitor who comes to your house the second you get home from the hospital and won't leave, no matter how tired you tell her you are) I

Here I am again, just hoping to get through this for the sake of my family.
It would be nice to have a new little bundle of joy. But I want to win this fight.
My life is blessed as it is. In addition to my daughters, I have a fiance, a cat, a dog, and Daisy, my shih-tzu, that my fiance gave me for Christmas. He knew that even though it wouldn't take the ache away, Daisy would love me and need me and I immediately loved and needed her, too.

I think I'll try to make a Baby Magic scented candle.

spoil yourself today...............